51. It's Not How, It's Who

It had nothing to do with how I was going to do it. It was about me the who of being open to new ideas to being willing to change, to being willing to focus on what comes next in my life. Hi, I'm Jay, a certified life coach and former educator who believes that rediscovering ourselves takes just a little bit of courage. This show is focused on helping you develop the mindset and the courage to regain your confidence to redefine yourself and to reimagine your life one episode at a time. Low Hello, hello, my positivity posse. And welcome to another edition of positivity of I am so excited that you're with me today. And whatever you're doing, wherever you are, just know that I'm grateful that you're here. Because you are building the mindset, you're building the courage to make change in your life. And we're doing it just one episode at a time. And that's exciting. I'm excited for you and today's episode we're talking about it's not how it's who. And I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, che What the hell does that mean? It's not how it's who? Well, if you're looking to make a change in your life, if you're looking to do something different if you're looking to be more positive, if you're looking to lose weight, stop smoking, have better relationships, know your kids better whatever it may be, you're searching for a how you've been searching for a house? Probably possibly why you're listening to this podcast is that you're looking for how, how do I lose weight? Do I do this diet? Do I jump on this fad? Do I take these pills? To exercise? Do I? You're looking for how? If you're looking to stop smoking? Do you get hypnotized? How do I do it? Do I get the chewables? How do I do it? Where do I get the prescription? If you're looking to have better relationships in your life, you're listening to shows, you're reading books, you're watching TV, you're looking for someone to tell you how to do it, how to do it. I'm here to tell you, my friends. It's not the how that's not the first step in the process. If you are looking to make any sort of significant change in your life, it's not the how that doesn't come first. The How come second, the who comes first. I'm not talking about your friendly neighborhood owl the who just made myself laugh there. Now the who is you? Who are you? Who is you? They Okay, so it's your time to focus on yourself. It's not the how it's not the step by step. It's not the little booklet, it's not the medication. It's not the program. It's not the money that you're going to keep dumping into those things. And that's fine. But you've got to, you've got to do you first. It's the who. And when you begin to have the mindset of it's the who not the how, as your default starting point. Just it opens up so many bigger things for you. Then you could do by yourself, right? You can you can start to focus on what really matters, you can become better at what really matters. The moment that you focus on the WHO as your mindset. And what do I mean by that? So I posted recently about my own journey. You can see it everywhere. It's on my website, Jason Ramsden calm, I've journaled it elsewhere on my Instagram account. There are portions of it on Tik Tok like I'm out there, putting it out there for people to learn about how you move from self doubt, and a lack of confidence to becoming confident and being full of knowledge that you can achieve whatever you want to achieve it. But it's when you stop talking about the how and you start thinking about the who. So for me, that goes back to all the way back to January of 2021. When I started to get coaching myself, when I was on this journey, I needed to figure out a life transition and in a move and what life was going to be different. Like for me, I was leaving an entire past behind and I needed to unravel what did that mean? Like how do you let go and move on? And then how do you kind of jump into the new moment and it had nothing to do with how do you do it? It had everything with with to do with the WHO with me? And getting my mind right before I could dive into how to do it. And so you I hired a coach myself, I had a coach from January to August and then I went and got another coach because I was at a different stage. And I felt like I needed a different process like I needed a mentor and and started working with them in September until now and I'm still working with them. I'm going to be working on them for a while because when you work on yourself, the WHO not the how, when you work on the who and the how becomes so much easier. So much easier. So why am I even bothering to share this with you, because it's an important, it's an important point to make is that I started this journey. Like, if you've been listening to this podcast from the very beginning, you know, it started in December of 2020. That was for me, I encapsulated an entire year of an a journey, not for you, for me for the who, so I could figure out how, how to become the person that I am right now. So I journaled, it was a lot about me. Now I'm flipping it around a little bit to help you focus even more on to take the next steps in your life. So what are the coaches done for me? Well, here's what they've done for me. They've helped me remove limiting beliefs. They've helped me learn. Well, in the first case, when I was in the transition phase, my coach helped me understand about transitions better, how to say goodbye, how to move on how to and I'm saying how, but because it's because we worked on the who, who I was the person I said, a lot of times that I had a hard time with, when people would say, thank you. I know that seems silly. But when they would say thank you, or give me a compliment about the work that I was doing, I had a hard time just saying thank you. That was me, that was the who, but when I when she put it in context of your when you rob people have the gift of wanting to tell you, thank you for something or to compliment you. That's a problem. It's, it's you that's holding on the problem. And as soon as you figure it out, then you can move towards the how have you just accept it, you accept it, you learn to say thank you, and you move forward. She also helped me with focusing a little bit on transitions, like next steps, goal setting, focusing on what's coming down the pike. And it had nothing to do with how I was going to do it. It was about me, the who of being open to new ideas to being willing to change to being willing to focus on what comes next in my life. And the same is true for you. Right? We're not talking about how you're going to do it. That's that's not how, okay, the how is so hard. The how is why you don't make change in your life. The how is the next step? The who is first, you got to get your mindset, right. And I've learned that even more so working with my mentor coach, and she's helping me work through things like confidence and self value, and worth and limiting beliefs and limiting beliefs. Okay, limiting beliefs are just It's coach speak for like being stuck in your own crap, literally like being stuck, where you are in this moment in time, not being able to move forward because you are thinking something. Okay? You're thinking something. So it's not how to move forward. It's in your head. Okay, there's, there is a circumstance a moment, it's a truth, it's a fact whatever it is, there's a circumstance that's in your life that's keeping you from moving forward. It's unchangeable, okay, circumstances are things that you don't change. They just is it is what it is. But what you can change is your thoughts about it. Because whenever there's a circumstance, and you have a negative thought about that circumstance, that evokes feelings, right? That evokes feelings inside of you, that, that take you down paths that you don't want to go down. And then those feelings, in turn, create actions by you. Okay, it's we're still focused on the who not the how to create actions by you, that then create the results, that if you look at them really, really closely, just tie back to what you were thinking. Just tie back to what you were saying. So in, here's a perfect example of that. I'm on a journey to be healthier with the way that I eat. And that may be the case for you, we'll use that as an example. So when you get out of whack with your eating, when you you can't stop you, you know, you've gained weight. You don't feel good about yourself, you hate to look in the mirror, you're not sure of what the next step is, what the how it is. It's it's in your mindset. And and here's what I mean by that. The circumstance is, you're overweight, that that's, it's it's a fact it's not arguable, right? You're at a certain weight and it's higher than than what you should be. And we'll talk about should versus could too, but it's what it should be. What happens when you're at that point, then you have a thought you have a thought about it. And your thought is, I'm unattractive. I'm tired all the time, I can't work out. You have these thoughts tied to the circumstance which can't change, right? It is what it is. I mean, it can change, but it is what it is in the moment. You have a thought about it, which then creates these feelings of, I'm no good, I'm ugly. No one will love me. Just you, you spiral, right? You spiral through whatever it is and your thoughts, right? Those thoughts create feelings of self doubt, of a lack of worth of not wanting to go out of being ashamed. And then what do you do? You eat more, right, you eat more because you want to, to comfort yourself, you want to, to do what you feel is right to protect yourself. And as soon as you do that, the results are you don't lose weight. I'm using that as an example. It may not be specifically what you're going through right now. But as an example, of there are circumstances and how you think about them, is what determines your results. So intentional, very intentional thoughts, Garner intentional results. And that is where the who comes in when you can change your mindset around, taking better care of yourself in this case, or stopping smoking or having better relationships, or making more money in your business, or becoming the leader that you want to become it all ties into not How do you do it? Think back to school. Think back to school? Kids right now, you may have been like, how do I get the A? No, it's Who do you have to become to get the A? Who Who do you have to be? What is your mindset have to be to earn the A, perhaps that maybe a better example is something that helps put put it in context for you a little bit easier, is that, when you consider it's you that it's not the steps that that need to be taken. It's you. It's freedom, the freedom that you get from discovering that it's the who not the how, because as soon as you discover the WHO THE how becomes incredibly easy to accomplish, or they may have overstated that incredibly easy is not necessarily what I wanted to say in that moment. Because it's not easy, right? It's work right? Everything that you do in your life to work on you takes time, there is patience, you need to give yourself great grace, where every step forward, there's going to be two steps back for every two steps for there may be three steps back. This is not when I say this life and working on you is not a series of wins, only wins and losses, and you need to look at them together as a whole. Okay? When you focus on the who, when you focus on yourself, there are things that you can do to help you move forward. You can work on coaching yourself, mentor, what does that look like? Like in order to help you shift from the limiting beliefs in your life. And again, limiting beliefs are just thoughts. They're thoughts that you believe about you that you believe about your life. So things that you can do to limit those are one you can just just pause to stop in the moment and reflect like, what is it going on right now? Why are you feeling fearful of making change in your life? Why are you resistant to whatever activities are around the how, right that's when we fail? Right? When we don't take time to look at the the how the activity that we're doing. So let's say we join a weight loss program, we'll tie it we'll keep it to weight loss. If you join a weight loss program and you continually fail out at you don't get the results that you want. Do you ever stop and reflect on why that is? Right? Do you become aware that you are probably most likely in a really low mood thinking state? No, do it do it, put it on a piece of paper write but a C for for like the circumstance. Put a T for thought put an F for feeling put an A for action put an R for result. Okay, in the circumstances in this particular case, not making progress What comes up for you when that happens? Okay, that's that's your thought what comes up for you? How do you feel about that? And then in turn, what happens? And then what are your results? It's, it's a no, it seems kind of like something that, oh, well, how do I make this work? You don't make it work, per se, but you have to stop and reflect on what it is that's holding you back. And once you do that, like, once you understand what's holding you back, what you come to realize is that you start to see that your thoughts maybe aren't the truth. Like when you take time to write down your thoughts, when you pause and reflect on maybe why something isn't going right in our life. And we don't do this very often, right, people just get spiraled in their thoughts, which takes them down paths, they really shouldn't be going down. But when you take the time to do like a thought download, and you write them all down on a piece of paper, and then you try and identify the things that are lies that you're telling yourself their stories that you're making up of why you can't move forward, why you can't make change, why you can't lose weight, why you can't commit to being in a better relationship, the why the why the while, I want you to understand that perhaps you've created some stories in your lives. That gives meaning to the events. But what you need to remember is that is not the truth about you. Seriously, it is not the truth about you. When you believe what you believe about yourself, it becomes the truth, but it is not the truth. Okay, make sure that that you understand that that that's a very clear distinction in the how you can do them is to look for evidence. Okay? Look for evidence. And what I mean by that is that, be aware of this, okay? When you get into thoughts, when you get into negative thoughts about making change in your life, like, be aware that you do have the power to turn that around, you have the power to take the stories to take, we'll call them lies, right? You're really lying to yourself, when, when you want to say that you can't make change, because you can. I've seen it, I've done it. So I know. So when you know that you can flip it around into truth by looking for evidence, that is the opposite of what you believe about yourself. It's the opposite of what you believe about yourself, then you begin to work on the who. Now, when you do that, right, when you get to this point of telling yourself more positive thoughts. The next step in the process is you. And I'm going to be brutally honest with you right here right now is that stop blaming other people, stop blaming other people stop blaming the outside world, for your results. Everything that you do, it's not the how it's not the other people in your lives. It's you, it's the who you are the only person who is responsible for in charge of in control of your thoughts. And your life. It's as simple as that. When you start to think about your life that way, that I'm in charge, I control what I think I control what I feel. Okay? So, take anxiety or being stressed will take stressed, because a lot of people are probably stressed. If this moment in the world. If you're feeling stressed, that is basically what they call low mood thinking. low mood thinking, your feelings, just like a thought is just a thought. A feeling is just a feeling. They're not the truth about you. They're not. They're not the truth about you. So when you are feeling stressed, and you start to work on looking at what you're telling yourself around the stress, okay, when you work through it, when you really examine it, when you put your thoughts down on paper. Look for the evidence. Look for the evidence. Is it a real solid, truthful fact? Or is it just something that you're telling yourself that is making you stressed? Do the work? I mean, stop this podcast and pressing on pause, do a download of everything you're thinking about right now in this moment. Right now in this moment and do the work? I'll be here. I'll be waiting for you. Okay, so little The last step in this process is to talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings. And I know, I know that is a difficult, difficult thing to think about. I have never been one to ask for help. It actually caused me to lose my first opportunity in the entrepreneurial space. I was I was approached by a good friend, and partner to start a venture. I couldn't commit, I was having limiting beliefs, I was having issues with what was happening. And I couldn't juggle it all because I was in a full time job and trying to launch something during the middle of COVID. And I didn't ask for help. I didn't. And it cost me working in that venture. Like it didn't get very far very fast, because the other person was looking for a partner. And I wasn't coming to the table that way, because I wasn't asking for help. Okay, so you need to talk to somebody about your limiting beliefs. Like if you want to change your old thought patterns, if you want to change the stories that you tell yourself, that limits you from moving forward, if you want to have new, strong, powerful beliefs and thoughts about yourself, if you want to live in a life, full of inspiration, full of joy, full of flow. You got to get somebody who can help you with your limiting beliefs, you have to seek out the help to make it happen. You can't do it by yourself. I tried. I tried from September to December of 2020. And I quickly learned that everything that was coming up for me, I just kept pushing back down. But when I started working with my coaches, that is when life changed for me, I was able to embrace a new narrative about myself, I was able to have thoughts about what I could accomplish in this world. I was able to see the value that I provided in this world. And let me tell you, it changes your life when you stop thinking about the house first. And you start thinking about the WHO as soon as you fix the who you can work the house and that is a gift my friends an incredible an incredible gift. Alright, my friends, thank you so much for joining me today. As always your gift of time. Your gift of time does mean the world to me. Thank you for tuning in. If you know someone who could benefit from today's show, if you know someone who could who could benefit from this podcast, please share. We don't do any advertising. This show grows through word of mouth only. So whatever you can do to spread the word on social and in your networks, I would appreciate it greatly. And until the next time my friends be well be happy, be you and keep doing the work one day at a time. Hey positivity posse. If you're ready to coach yourself, I invite you to download my free workbook. Seven Steps to regain, redefine and reimagine your life. Head over to www dot Jason ramsden.com my dash links and click on the download link at the top of the page. It's that simple and hey, if you're interested in working with me as your own personal life coach visit Jason ramsden.com and click Get Started in the upper right corner of the screen I hope to talk to you soon Until then have a an amazing day. Positivity on fire is a production of impact one media LLC. All rights reserved.